m*iLdLy INconSIsTeNT

4/2/2009:

GM topped the acclaimed Fortune 500 list in 1955 and for the 52 years that followed, remained in the top 3 by revenue. Now teetering on the fine line of bankruptcy with a new meaning to the overused ‘bailout’, this company represents the pinnacle of the American binge behavior.

The world continued with manufacturing advances to reduce carbon emissions and turned the focus to eco-friendly vehicles that would lessen our human thumbprint on the environment, once we were shown a very realistic picture of what our world could spiral quickly into. GM wasn’t alone in the adaptation mishap, the US in general was losing much of its manufacturing to the global competition. But while the US quickly scrambled to catch up to the world that was speeding past us in sectors ranging from technology to manufacturing, GM stood still while quicksand began to pour into the ground around them.

Our debt-driven, need-to-have-it-now, impatient and demanding greed has caused our economic meltdown and contributed to tens of millions of jobs lost that could take our unemployment percentage to double digits within months. I did it, you did it, our neighbors did it. We all contributed to our crisis by allowing our instant gratification desire to overpower the pace of the world.

T-

The countless sleepless nights over the last four years have run dry. The countless times I have walked away from you with determination to close this chapter with us once and for all, fail. You captivate me. You cut so deep into every piece of me that I have never had the strength to do what I know I should have done all along.

One foot in and one foot back, we’ve been living in this state of grey for the last four years. Without wanting to succumb to the reality of us that existed beyond our purgatory for the fear of losing our spontaneity, and ultimately, open our vulnerability. The three words that became hard to say became the catalyst for the limitations on the current dysfunctional relationship we have. In part, because my biggest fear was losing you.

I tolerated the games and your evasiveness in return for the you that I truly love. But I should have followed my gut off the bat when I knew that you and I could never simply be friends. We never finished what we started. Until that happens, I know I will never have the capacity to ignore the glimpse I saw of that potential us. Because when it comes down to it, Troutie, I would do anything for you. In the same capacity that you intend to reciprocate for me. Yet sometimes trip up when the stakes get high and we reach the tipping point. What I will never understand is your capability to be so careless with me.  

You’ve been a rock for me at times, for which I will always be grateful. But you’ve also been a switchblade just the same. For the first few years, I debated whether the rock trumped the knife. Without even realizing it, the energy I’ve been giving you, left little for anyone else entering my life.  It was a handicap I didn’t acknowledge until I was forced to recognize the dysfunction that has recently become our standard. Largely due, to what I attribute, to your ignorance that stands in the way of our reality.  And most importantly, to me.

I’ve tried cutting you off several times in the past, but you and I both know this time is different. I will always love you. But I will never stand in your arms again, as a friend or as a lover. Your actions over the last two weeks are not reflective of any type of friendship, let alone an appreciation for another person. Our oscillation that guarantees a hurt and deflated me, is over. I’ve circled through faceless boyfriends, always coming back to you. And I know you aren’t numb to me. Behind the bullshit and the boundaries, there is the me that you pretend not to see. So with that, we stood at our crossroads. And today, I’ve closed the chapter that has kept me in a state of grey, to move into my life, finally without you.

“you had me at merlot.”

“you can’t handle vermouth”

“he’s charging you up” after cute bartender hits on me while charging phone.

You dug up my grave
Where I found my courage
Buried in years of dirt

You dug up my grave
Where I found my courage
That I never seen before

Among the tombstones
Buried in years of dirt
I pulled on my courage
Free from the skeleton’s grip

You dug up my grave
Where I pulled my courage
Been holding on so tight
To never let it go
With or without you

Standing ten feet taller
My open arms for everyone
After you

Since you dug up my grave
And I pulled the courage
That was buried in years of dirt

To: A

You have, once again, confirmed everything I have ever thought about the man that you are and the man that I have grown to admire in such a brief amount of time. I knew what I was getting myself into in February when we had the first conversation in my bed. But I was drawn to you in ways that I haven’t felt in quite some time, which made it impossible for me to walk away from you then. Our honesty that morning set the bar for us, and ultimately, has given me so much respect for you. That is something that will never change, because without you even realizing, you broke down a wall that I had bolted shut years ago. For the first time, I didn’t run. While the vulnerability was an unfamiliar and awkward feeling at first, I knew I had to open up myself and take the risk of showing you all of me, regardless if I knew today would inevitably come.

I told you that morning that I wasn’t sure if I could handle knowing there was someone else. So for the last few months, I turned a blind eye to it. My intuition became crystal clear over the last few weeks to finally open my eyes and see past the seduction that has been clouding it. Just as you’ve had your time to soul search, I have also done much the same. I realized while you were gone that I don’t want to ever be anyone’s hidden anything and, ultimately, never be the cause of pain for another woman should she become aware of me. I knew if she had any feelings similar to what I have begun to feel, that I would have to take myself out of the equation.

It’s bittersweet actually. Reading your note a few times, I realize it is not just sad, but exudes a sense of peacefulness. That sense of peacefulness is what I’ve always felt winding around us. And you’re right, it’s not every day that two people connect as we have. That is not something I would ever want to lose in my life. Our connection isn’t about sex, it is about a sheer respect and admiration for the person standing eye to eye. And for that, I will always be grateful. I care about you a lot as well and want to give you that chance to pursue where your heart is taking you, without a feeling of guilt that you are misleading any part of me. Having said that, I can accept that there is nothing broken between us. I came late to your game for a reason that is also yet to be seen. So regardless where we are right now, I couldn’t imagine not having you a part of my life. Our friendship has quickly formed into something far more substantial to extinguish upon my acknowledgement of what you’ve been trying to tell me for several months.

I will always be here for you and will always welcome you with open arms. It’s not our time right now to open one door, but there’s no reason to close the friendship that is here. So dearest A, know I am here. And know I will try my very best to separate my desires from the core of you and I. As your friend and as your rock, as your west side light.

Forever yours,

*m

From: A
To: M

M,

I can’t tell if I’m glad you decided to approach this in writing or in person, not because I think one is necessarily better than the other, but maybe because I like to think I’m good on my feet, and perhaps because I was taken back by your sincerity and am not sure I’m brave enough to match it.

It was obvious to me what was on your mind last night, it was clearly on mine as well. We have a (albeit brief) history of honesty with each other, and I’d like for that to not change now. There is, as you know, someone in my life, someone with whom I have until now had an ambiguous and somewhat confusing relationship, but over a series of conversations and a lot of soul-searching in the backseat of a van for the past two weeks, someone whom I now know I care for very deeply. Where it’s going to go remains to be seen, but I know that pursuing anything else romantically would be unfair to everyone involved. I have been wanting to speak with you about this for some time, but we can both agree that opportunity has not come up until now.

It’s not every day that two people can connect as fast as you and I have, and I’ve found myself excitedly driving on west Venice Blvd on a number of Saturday nights, excited to hang and talk and generally be around someone who can talk about poetry as easily as she orders a Kettle martini. Someone who gets it. And gets that maybe I get it too.

It makes me sad to think that that person wouldn’t fit in my life anymore, and I hope that doesn’t end up being the case. On the other hand, from experience, it’s difficult for two people to exist with each other when they are not on the same page. That will, in the end, be up to you. I wish I could share the burden of that decision, but alas I cannot.

If you need some time to digest, I understand. If you  never want to see me again, I will, begrudgingly, understand. But know that I care about you a lot and want the best for you, wherever I fit in to what you are.

Yours,

-A